Building Couple Time Tip:
Marriage Advice | Learning to Fight Fair
The research points out that conflict goes up and marital satisfaction goes down after the first child comes along.
This tip aims to help you avoid being one of those statistics.
Sure there’s a lot more going on when you go from couple to family, but learning to fight fair can help you sort through the chaos.
Here are some steps to help you fight fair and understand each other’s differences:
Step 1: Realize when you’ve gone from 0 to 60 and you are too triggered or upset to have a civil conversation at this point. Not to worry, there is a reason for this.
Step 2: Appreciate that your brain if offline and something else is getting triggered that probably doesn’t all belong to your partner. This is not the time to try and communicate through your differences!
Step 3: Take a time out away from your partner, breathe, tune in to yourself and ask the following: “ What’s this inside my body that I’m feeling so upset about?” You can reference the problem that happened between you and your partner but do not continue to blame your partner. This is key, because 90 percent of the time it’s not about the present issue, and your partner's not there to defend themselves. So you are just fanning the fire of the blame game.
Step 4: Notice how you are quieting down and how the origins of what you were really upset about are coming to you. Once you have some answers and are feeling more calm, you may now be ready to communicate with your partner.
Step 5: Check if you partner is ready to listen to you, and let them know you are in a calmer place to talk.
Step 6: Share with them what your discovered about what was upsetting you, and make sure not to blame them for the issue.
Step 7: Now, switch and you be the listener in an attempt to understand their upset.
Notice that healthy communication is a lot slower, calmer, and there is a back and forth of listening and sharing. Remember, it’s okay that you see things different. The goal is to show the person you can listen and respect their differences of opinion.
Please comment below or contact Lori what you noticed as you experimented with these strategies on learning to fight fair and how felt after you cleared the air. Thanks for sharing with our Building Couple Time Community.
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Are you a parent with a young child or two? Then I bet you're feeling frustrated, exhausted, and overwhelmed with the never-ending To Do list that comes with growing a family. This "Date State" guide will help you feel closer and more connected in your marital/couple relationship!